EDITOR'S NOTE: This one's the biggest to date, and it's a doozy - a multimedia extravaganza! We've got animation! Music! Sound effects! Fancy Javascript! So prepare yourself for the long haul. No, really, this could be the most intrinsic and in-depth deconstruction of a videogame in existence. If your computer is painfully slow, then click here for a trimmed-down version of this page, minus the Javascript. There is also much silliness about, so don't expect anything even remotely serious. Always bear in mind that the writer's job at Gaming Hell is both to educate and entertain. This one goes right under the 'entertain' section, with a smattering of info, so take it with a pinch of salt. Especially the lewd comments about Sailor Jupiter. Also: fucking hell how did I end up with 10 mother-fucking pages on this game on my desk why damnit why why why

In the long-distant past, when the shoot-em-up was king, there was a company called Toaplan. They pretty much dedicated all their time to making shooters, helping to define the very genre with releases like Tiger Heli (first shoot-em-up with a screen-clearing bomb attack) and Batsugun (the long-distant relative of the curtain shooter). However, come 1994, they went bump rather swiftly, and a couple of companies rose from their ashes, with practically all of them going off to make more increasingly life-destroying shoot-em-ups. The death of Toaplan wasn't something to be mourned, but celebrated instead, giving life to a new generation of shoot-em-up developers... Not in the least because Toaplan really did unleash a few stinkers every now and then. Fire Shark springs to mind. Peeee-ewwwww!

Err, in any case, there were four new companies created after Toaplan's demise: Cave (DoDonPachi, Mushihimesama), Eighting/Raizing (Battle Garegga, Bloody Roar) Takumi (Mars Matrix, Night Raid) and today's target, Gazelle. Unlike Eighting/Raizing and Cave, you don't hear about these guys so much anymore. Why?

Gazelle only ever made two games. Oh dear!



One of them was a shoot-em-up called Air Gallet (which has a hilarious voice sample during the attract sequence). Developing a shoot-em-up is a pretty obvious move for an ex-Toaplan company (even though it was actually their second, and last, title) but, if I'm honest, Air Gallet is actually pretty sucky, and not nearly as interesting as what Cave and Raizing were up to at the time. It's alright, I guess, and the music is accompanied by more amusingly terrible voice-acting, nearly up there with House of the Dead (especially the cracking acting on 'I HAVE A BAD FEELING ABOUT THIS'). It's just that it's boring, which is criminal in a shoot-em-up. It feels like a shooter from 1989 stuck in a time when the genre was moving upwards, and it's just so... Plain. Really, don't even bother with this stinker.

As a result, we're not going to be discussing Air Gallet any further.

It's Gazelle's other game, Pretty Soldier Sailor Moon, to which we turn our attentions right now.



And yes, for the record I'm going to keep calling it by its full name. Pretty Soldier Sailor Moon. Every. Single. Time. And there's nothing you can do about it. Not a damn thing. That's why I love this job, I can do whatever the hell I want and even though there's an editor around to stop me, he's too much of a pussy to do anything! Hahahah- Hey, Ed, wait, what are you doing? Let go of me! I have to get the message out to the people! Wait, put the needle down! We can talk about this! Ahh, I'm feeling faint... sleepy... happy...

[Sorry about that. We've managed to get him to stop going on wacky tangents now. This article will now be sensible and devoid of any shennanigans.
- Ed]



Anyway, out of Gazelle's extensive (hurrr) library of games, Pretty Soldier Sailor Moon has Air Gallet beaten by several country miles. It may be a Final Fight clone, released at a time when these sorts of games were dying out, but at least it's pretty nicely animated, and with a rather surprising number of moves at your disposal. Of course, we're not playing it for these reasons- why would I do something as silly as that? Don't you know what kind of operation I run here?! No, we're playing Pretty Soldier Sailor Moon because it's so gosh-darn stupid.

Now, before we continue, there is something important to establish: this game is based on the manga/anime of the same name. You know, the kind of thing that all the Japanophiles slobber over like the dogs they are. Since I'm ignorant of anything and everything to do with Sailor Moon (and, since I'm nothing if not honest, anything to do with the words 'manga' and 'anime') it is with a sickening amount of glee that I say to you, the reader, that I have not taken the liberty of researching this series at all- I'm playing this game with no prior knowledge of Sailor Moon at all. Usually, I'm quite reliable for looking into things on a whim- hell, I even looked up Fruits Basket on Wikipedia, just for an off-the-cuff joke about the series in the Outfoxies article on here. This time around, though, we're taking a stand, and making it known that context is for sissies.



As a result, we'll be taking the game on at face value. The story is inconsequential- people are rabble-rousing in the streets! Knock seven bells out of them! The controls are also pretty standard stuff, although there's a surprising amount of attacks available. One button's for attack, and another one's for jumping. In addition, you can run, grab enemies to do a basic throw, perform a variety of different attacks in the air (the exact number depends on your chosen character) and, of course, press both Attack and Jump together for a crowd-control special that takes away some health. There's ever-so-slightly more moves available here than in Final Fight, and the running manouvre is always welcomed (see also: Streets of Rage 3, Cadillacs & Dinosaurs) However, there aren't any additional weapons to pick up along the way, which is a pity.

The third button is a bit different, harking back to Golden Axe- it's your magic button. During the game, you can pick up small blue crystals (up to a maximum of five) and pressing the magic button uses all of them up, as your chosen Sailor takes over the screen in a rather fancy animation (probably taken straight from the TV show) then... All the enemies fall down. That's it. It seems relatively inconsequntial, really, especially since some of the animations aren't even attacks, just your character, uh, existing I suppose. At least in Golden Axe, your attacks felt like they were actually attacking the enemy, especially in Revenge of Death Adder. I guess it's mostly fanservice for hardcore Sailor Moon fans.



Now we've got the basic play mechanics under our belt, it's time to deal with the playable characters. You're actually given quite a lot of choice here- instead of the usual 3 characters (Average, Quick but Weak, Mike Haggar-esque Beefcake) like in almost every other brawler, there's 5 schoolgirls to pick from. Unfortunately, the differences between them are far, far more subtle than in other scrolling beat-em-ups, but they exist, really! I suspect this is to keep Sailor Moon fans happy, because if they can't play as their favourite sugoi kawaii senshi because they're all so obviously wildly different, there's no point. At least, I assume. As ever, it's time for a rubdown rundown.


Sailor Moon
This one must the leader, right? Because, you know, it's called Sailor Moon and all that. She seems to be the 'average' one of the bunch, really- average speed, average attack power, and a fairly unreliable crowd-control attack. It's important to note, though, that she has the most irritating voice of the lot, and when she wails when attacked, you and any dogs in the vicinty are going to bloody well know about it. Also, she winks at you in the intro, which singles her out as the filthy one. Next!


Sailor Mercury
Most boring character, right here. Only thing she's got going for her is that she's ever-so-slightly faster than the other characters. You'll notice it a little bit, but it's not going to make or break you in this world. She doesn't even have an annoying voice, so she's almost as redundant as Betty Doe from The Outfoxies. Yawn. Keep scrolling.


Sailor Mars
You know, this is almost akin to picking your favourite Power Ranger- pointless and almost certainly based entirely on your favourite colour. Mars has the longest hair! Surely that counts for something? She also stands weirdly- everyone else has a combat-ready pose, but she just stands there as if to say "Just get on with it already." She does, however, have a fairly good crowd-control attack, which has slightly better range than the others. Her speed's normal, too, not that you really notice the faster/slower characters- believe me, when I said that the differences were negligible, I meant it!


Sailor Jupiter
Best of the lot. No, really. Although marginally slower than the other characters (and by that I mean if you don't get it pointed out to you, you'll never actually notice) she's a touch more powerful. It's her running jump attack that seals the deal- if you run, jump, then attack at the peak of your jump, Jupiter performs a blazingly fast aerial dive which bounces her back off the enemy. The others (aside from Venus) lack this attack, and suffer for it. For old-school beat-em-up lovers, it's very similar to the lethal jump-kick from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles games from Konami. Appropriate that she's dressed in green, then. Go for this one.


Sailor Venus
Isn't this just Sailor Moon again, with a different hairstyle? See, that's what I thought, but it's not the case. Her clothes are a different colour. That means she's totally not the same, honest. Whatever, she too has the running jump attack Jupiter has, but she seems slightly slower. Her crowd-control attack is one of the better ones, mind you... It's all up to personal taste, I guess. It might as well be a Hair Select screen rather than Character Select, you know. I guess she'd be useful in a 2-player game, one as Jupiter and the other as Venus, as the game doesn't allow you to both be the same character.



Anyway, before we jump in and begin to experience true horror, one more bit of housekeeping; I decided to be merciful to myself, and play through the game with just one character, rather than replaying it over and over again to get a different character in each screenshot. Well, aside from the screenshots above, obviously. You know what they say, there can only be one. Just like Highlander, except with more sailor uniforms. Picking one character allows for much more comedy, and allows me to weave an intricate narrative of the two battles taking place here: The chosen Pretty Soldier Vs. the enemy hordes, and Pretty Soldier Sailor Moon, the game, Vs. me, the long-suffering writer. I suppose there's also the desperate struggle between me and the poor suffering editor, but that doesn't count- that's in every article.

For our purposes, then, we're gonna be playin' as Sailor Jupiter partly because I almost always play as the designated 'power' character in scrolling beat-em-ups (and by that I mean "I always play as Mike Haggar") even if in this game, the distinction is hardly monumental. The other reason is for her aerial dive attack which really works a number on the bizarre enemies. Also, I actively despise every other character. Especially Sailor Moon. Ugh. Finally; brunettes are hawt. Hey, don't look at me like that, there's going to be at least one lewd joke in this review... And I've used it up on the first page. Damnit.

I'll regret this tomorrow, and so will you, but let's play Pretty Soldier SAILAH MUUUUHN!

Sailor Jupiter's never-ending fight for justice begins on the next page!